Wednesday, February 8, 2012

love thyself: a bit of honesty

if you take a gander to your right you will see a round black beautiful button. this button was created by amy from a is for ampersand. february is the month of love. typically to express love to others but amy has turned the tables inwards making it a month of self love. this act of wonderfulness really really touched me. we all struggle with some kind of self hatred whether we are men or women. self hatred is not sexist by any means.

amy touched on how the blogging world can portray a world of perfection, something that all of us have strived to attain at some point in our lives. at some point most of us have realized that what we think is "perfect" is unattainable to achieve or at least i have come to that conclusion. what i have learned is this:  i am not perfect, nobody is, and that is the way we are meant to be. our imperfections are what actually makes us perfect.


i wanted to share my struggles to show that i too, am human and just like everyone else i have a story. here is mine. (please bare with me, it isn't something that can easily be expressed)



 since i can remember i have always been extremely hard on myself. i don't know why, i mean i could take a stab, point fingers but when i sit down and really think about it, it has always been me that has allowed myself to go to those dark places and wallow there.

i have never felt truly beautiful. i mean this in a superficial way. i have never had a problem with who i was internally, i had a problem with the shell that my soul resided in. i always felt the awkward ugly duckling, with the big ugly nose and horrible posture and just all round just strange looking. i didn't get teased much, a couple of jerks were mean, called me toucan sam but all kids are mean. i tried not to take it personally but at a young age it is hard not to take what others say about you personally. i always felt odd in my own skin and i had a bad case of image distortion. what i wanted to look like or what i thought i looked like was not what i actually saw in pictures or the mirror. who was this person and why didn't the images match up?

i didn't know who the person was when i looked in the mirror, why she didn't look like the perfect girls i saw on tv or magazines. i thought if i could change the way i looked then i would be happy. i dreamed of plastic surgery, getting my nose fixed, thinking it would solve the problem. years of staring in the mirror and smashing my nose to what i thought it should be.  i felt ashamed of what i looked like. i hate and still feel uncomfortable when people stare at me. i always thought people were looking at the ugly parts of me when it in fact who knows WHAT they were even staring at. it is crazy what we allow ourselves to think.

all of these thoughts consumed me, twisting into monsters making me think i was never good enough. the thoughts would get darker as i got older,  thoughts that i am am even ashamed to think of now. looking back at it all, it seems almost silly, that i let something like beauty hold me back from leading a happy life. really, what is beauty? it is all in the eye of the beholder and that saying has stuck with me.

until recently, i have moved from that dark place and into the sunshine where it is bright and warm. i still find myself sitting in the shadows at times but i am much better now at pulling myself up. what was it that brought me into the light? a mix of things....

i found someone who loved me for me, not just my shell but for my mind. he is an artist and what i find interesting about artists is that they capture and hone in on things that others may not. i was tom's subject for a lot of his art. he would extract the features that i found hideous and turned them into beautiful works of art. seeing that he loved my imperfections made me think more about what beauty was. being able to step back from myself and see what somonee else saw was one of the most eye opening moments that one can hope for. it was truly life changing. from then on whenever i complained about my body, he would tell me to do something about it. that is when i started biking, instead of being down about something i did something about it.  i got my first big tattoo and then my world forever changed. something about expressing myself and putting a stamp on this shell made me realize what beauty was for me.

what inside me is what truly is beautiful not what the outside looked like. covering the outside with my designs is what got me over the hurdle, let the inside out instead of the letting the outside hold the inside back. now when i look in the mirror i do see someone that is truly beautiful throughout. i have let the insecurities melt away and now lead a happy life full of amazing adventures.

we all struggle with something and it is what we do with this struggle that makes us who we are today. i can not say i am happy that i had let myself hate myself for so long, but now i appreciate so much because of it. life is about growing and i am happy that i still am :)

thanks for reading, i know it was a lot but honestly it felt really really really good to put it out there. i encourage everyone to write their story out even if it never gets published, it is so therapeutic and you will thank yourself later.

xo,
cb

53 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing such an honest, personal and inspiring story. I am always so shocked to discover people I think of as insanely gorgeous such as yourself may share (or have shared in the past) my own insecurities about appearance! I am still learning to love my shell.

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    1. thank you so much for your support. we all struggle with something and i think if we all can come together we can fight each of struggles and all live happy lives!

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  2. A beautiful and honest post, thanks for sharing.

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  3. So wonderfully put, Cristie! A brave story to share, well done you :) xo

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    1. thank you so much for your support kate, it means so much <3

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  4. You are stunning, on the inside and outside. <3<3<3

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  5. That was beautiful, your honesty is inspiring and wonderful. Thank you. :)

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    1. thank you so much ngaio! it is so wonderful so have such wonderful support!

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  6. This is such a beautiful post. You are beautiful inside AND OUTSIDE! I think almost everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable in their own skin during their younger years, I know I sure did. Between my braces, my unruly hair and my "punk" like wardrobe you could say I never really fit in. Sometimes you just have to except the things about you the way you are, gorgeous.

    I think I struggle more with my mirror image now than I ever did when I was younger. I had a very clear identity in my teens, now, as a mother and wife its strange to look in the mirror. My hair is all one color, I wear plan clothes and running shoes, and I have extra pounds hanging around from my two kids. It's odd and I feel very awkward in my skin. I'm sure I'll figure out eventually. I really do think our outside appearance can effect the way we feel about ourselves inside. I think it's more about us liking the way we look because its who we are, not someone else, or a picture in a magazine.

    Sorry, I rambled, thank you for posting this! It was food for thought and I really enjoyed getting to know you a little better.

    Have a great day beautiful!!
    xoxokat

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    1. no i loved that you wrote so much! i think it is amazing the cycles that we all go through. i have heard that a lot from mothers that they loose a bit of their identity when having a children. you will overcome it and find yourself. in life we have to try all sorts of things to try and make us happy and eventually we find it and it is more perfect then anyone can imagine. thank you so much for your support kat <3

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  7. I think this is an amazing reminder...everybody has these self-doubts, but in our attempts to make our blogs positive and inspirational, I think sometimes we get caught up in trying to be or appear perfect, when perfection is not what people relate to at all!

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    1. i totally agree, i think it is all the amazing little imperfections that make everyone so much more interesting. if we were all "perfect" then we would be robots and i am not a fan of robots! hehe

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  8. Yes, yes, YES! I love this post! So beautifully written, and I can't thank you enough for sharing and joining in on the revolution. You are so beautiful and I hope you always remember that! <3<3<3

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    1. how could i not join the revolution, it is all thanks to you amy! thank you so so so much for being a constant inspiration and inspiring me to put my story out there.

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  9. cb, when i first met you i thought you were absolutely unique and beatutiful, not like most girls in the blogosphere who are kind of doing the same thing, and that's what attracted me to you. it was always important to me to put my idea of beauty in my actions and thoughts over the physical aspects. culturally women are taught to prioritize perfection on our bodies instead of our intellectuality and human spirits. i won't go into the social theory implications of this but it does nothing for us women. i'm glad you shared. you are truly beautiful, don't forget that.

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    1. oh gosh the whole social theory is just so scary and crazy! it brings us down in so many ways i mean think of all the amazing things we could do if we didn't have it hanging over our heads. i do blame the media a lot for this feeling of imperfections, they are not the cause but they don't help making people feel less of themselves because of what they see or hear. it takes everyone raising together though to make a difference and i think it is what we need to overcome this self hate we all have experienced. thank you sooo much tina for your wonderful support.

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  10. i love you! just so you know. <3

    since i've been fat my whole life i always thought that all non fat girls were perfect and to this day am shocked by how many STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS WOMEN feel like shit about themselves for one reason or another. i honestly have never given a thought to your nose because you're friggin' beautiful, so i'm glad you understand now! lol

    what you said about some blogs making life seem perfect is why i started posting pictures of myself with a red face, or double chins, or messy hair because it happens!

    thank goodness for the toms and bears of this world who help us to see what's been there all along. <3 <3 <3

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    1. i love you too alicia!!!! it is so crazy how many people feel the same why i do. some people are better at hiding it then others. i LOVE posting the crazy looking pictures of myself, because really it is who i am, not the "mannequin" in the pictures. i should do a post of all the crazy pictures....i like the sound of that!

      oh yes thank goodness from the tom's and bears of this world. i really do not know what i would have done without him....i dont like to think what would have happened.

      love you so much and as always thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend!

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  11. you seem so completely comfortable in your skin. I would have never thought that you struggled with body issues. I can totally relate though. It took me a long time to appreciate my body and there are still times when I take a step backwards but I always get back on the horse. Thanks for sharing your story.

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    1. i do now but it look along time and i still do but being active really helps. i wouldn't have thought you had issues either but i guess we all do. amber me loves you so much in all your beauty!

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  12. Such an inspiring post.

    xo Amber P.

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  13. sweetheart, you know I love you to bits, well, if it's possible I love you even more! thank you for being so brutally honest there, and can I say, I SO empathise. I STILL suffer from dreadful 'outside' self loathing (perhaps that's too harsh, but..) but every day I struggle with what I see in the mirror. I suffer with bad skin, have since I was 12, & even at almost 37 I still cannot go out & about without a full face of makeup on, just to feel more confident & then to become plump due to a horrid thyroid issue that seems impossible to change, well, let's just say I too have had some very dark days over the years. As with Tom & you, Nick certainly has made me more confident bless him & I know how he sees me, which I try to hold onto, but it's how you see yourself that is so hard to overcome.
    I say this (not just as a friend) but you are one of the most beautiful people it's ever been my privilege to call friend & I feel very lucky to know you. Lots of Love xox

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    1. i love you to bits too and much much more! i am so incredibly happy to call you my friend and your friendship means so so so much to me. you have been so supportive of me from the beginning and i can not thank you enough! i can't believe that you struggle too i just would never imagine it! you are always so happy and are just such a beautiful person. nick is such a lucky guy to have you. again ruth thank you so much for being such a wonderful beautiful person. i cherish you so much! xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxox

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  14. I'm so glad to hear that you are secure in your own skin. I never would have guessed you struggled with insecurities in the past! I've always thought you were so gorgeous. Maybe not necessarily in the "magazine" kind of way, but who really is? What I notice most about you is your positive attitude, healthy biking habits, and killer style!

    Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us, sweets. I feel like I know you just a lil better now!

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    1. i know it is really crazy to think where i used to be. it makes me so sad and even more sad knowing that so many others feel the same way. i want to help and hope that my post inspired some ladies & men out there to really step back and appreciate themselves. we are here only a short time and it really sucks having something so silly consume you. thank you so much kristi for your wonderful support. i am so very happy to call you my friend <3

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  15. it honestly breaks my heart when I hear you talking down on yourself. You are by far the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I would trade you pretties any day of the week.

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  16. Wonderfully said. This is was Valentines day should really be about, self-appreciation, confidence, and love.

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    1. i think so too. it should be more focused on self love rather then all that hallmark stuff they like to shove in our faces.

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  17. You are beautiful, inside & out. I'm glad you're feeling & seeing that now. It's so positive to be in a place where you feel good about yourself; others can see it & feel it. It really is contagious. Thanks for this wonderful entry, it brightened my day a lot. :)

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    1. thanks amanda for saying it brightened your day. that is exactly what i wanted the post to do!

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  18. I love this post! I think you are beautiful inside and out!

    I can identify too, it took me a long time to realise the things I disliked about my body- being so tall, having big boobs, having big thighs, etc- should be things that I love. I'll never be a petite lady with a b-cup chest but that's okay :3

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  19. Your blog is lovely! =)

    http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com./

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  20. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us! I am so happy that you don't think that way about your nose anymore. It's sad that all of us girls go through the phase of hating ourselves. I think you are a true beauty! I loved drawing every bit of you <3

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  21. Such a beautiful post, and brave of you to put all this "out there" in the world. I have always been very hard on myself too, sometimes I let the little things really drag me down, like a minor error at work or a new recipe that goes wrong! I kind of get how you feel about your nose, I was given a really hard time about my weight my whole life and it wasn't just some stupid kids giving me a hard time which made it a whole lot worse. I am still battling with those weight issues, but in a way reading stories like yours (there's been a whole of self love out there this month already) makes me feel less alone.

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    1. i would never have thought you felt this way, i think you are so beautiful and are truly such a wonderful and beautiful person. i guess you can ever judge a book by its cover, we all struggle. i know how you feel, when amy posted about her struggle it was so awesome(i mean that sounds harsh but i mean it in a nice way) that i wasn't alone. i think hearing others stories makes it not feel so bad and it can help us move on. thanks for sharing too!

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  22. Thanks for this! it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out theer, but when we do we give others permission to do the same. I love the way you described tattoos...

    Thanks for being your beautiful self :)

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    1. thanks for your support, i hope more people open up about it, that would be so wonderful, if we are honest with ourselves we can lead happy and whole lives <3

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  23. This is such a great, positive post!
    It's so true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I always thought of you as a real bella donna! :) Everyone definitely has their own hang-ups, I've had lots of stupid ones in the past, things that only I notice anyway. But one thing that is awesome about getting older is the confidence you get, I wish i would have been as confident as I am today when I was a teenager but I guess that's just part of life. Thank you for this thought-provoking and lovely post!

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    1. thanks lisa! i noticed that too as i have gotten older i have more confidence. i have heard that from other ladies too that with age comes confidence, a great thing to keep looking forward to as i get older :D thank you so much for support lisa!

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  24. This is so incredibly refreshing! even within the blog world there seems to be this weird standard sometimes. I know i'm relatively new as a reader, but you've managed to be inspiring to us in the short time we've read your posts. I can relate to feeling 'less than' superficially. I was called a 'dog' in 6th grade and for some reason have never forgotten it. It's easier to believe the harsh things than the beautiful things about ourselves, especially when we are our worst critic.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing. This post has been so great because so many readers that dont normaly comment have and i am getting to know so many wonderful people. So thank you. I wonder why we listen to the harsh things and not the beautiful. I am sure there is some social science behind it. Woukd be really interesting to learn more!

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  25. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love that our imperfections make us perfect. I know it has taken me a while to allow my insecurities to just be a part of me, and not a fault.

    Kids can be very mean, and many times it's out of jealousy and insecurity that the teasing occurs.

    I have always thought you were beautiful... and I don't just mean from the outside. You have a beautiful personality that shines through on your blog. Your husband is lucky to have someone like you who loves him in return.

    <3<3<3

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    1. Thanks kristen for your amazing support. You have been such a wonderful person to get to know these last few months and i cherish our friendship so so much.
      Xoxoxoxxoxoxo

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  26. I'm so glad that you have been able to dig through the layers and see the beauty both internally and externally. You are so talented and beautiful on so so many levels. I'm glad you are able to see that now.

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  27. This is soo inspiring, Cristie. Thank you so much for sharing. I know it is hard to put ourselves out there sometimes and be open and personal, but I think you sharing your story has inspired many others, not just me. You are so talented and beautiful and I love how you share your life on your blog like you do. Keep up the amazing work! xoxo

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  28. such a great post, and really brave. i feel the same way a lot of the time, and it is easy to think that you are the only one. thanks for showing me that i'm not! i'm loving amy's series so far. what a great theme.

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  29. Wow, thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write this but I really appreciate your honesty and openess here. Beauty is def in the eye of the beholder and I feel so fortunate as well to have such a supportive person in my life- I always hated my stomach & still sometimes am bewildered about why my hubs likes it haha. That's so awesome your guy used you in artwork & esp that it changed your perceptions for the better- as it most certainly should be- you are so pretty and seem so talented also! Hmm maybe I will get this story written as well.. again thank you, you've been such an inspiration!
    http://dusanabotswana.com

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    1. thank you for your support! i am so happy you have someone that loves you the way you deserve. i hope you write a similar story, it is so great to get out there, truly.

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  30. not only are you an amazing artist and designer but also some kinda writer. this post has me tingling all over the place and really speaks to so many, if not us all. i'm glad you've moved out of that dark place now, you're really so beautiful Cristie. inside and out. Tom is a stunning example of how a partner should be, supportive, motivating and tender. this was beautiful to read, thank you for sharing this - you inspire me!!

    so very open and with the exact right words to touch my heart's soft spots. you are a brave girl for exposing parts of yourself this way. i know for me, while reading it, i had serious pangs of similar sensations AND it's not anything i had to bare. it was a pleasure to be granted this moving experience. xo ♥

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    1. thank you soooo much for your support lynn, it means so much to me! and thank you for the comment on my writing. your comment has made my heart so happy and i can't thank you enough for being such a wonderful and beautiful person. thank you so much!
      xoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxx

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thanks for commenting! it fills me with joy that you have taken the time to stop by!
xo,
cb